When we think of intimacy, we generally think in two’s, that is, the relationship between one person and another. While there is an element of intimacy that is shared, I offer that the most important aspect of intimacy is an inside job, our relationship with our self.
I believe we incarnated to have experiences of relationship in our world and with each other, and in that mirror, to further experience our Divine nature. Is the mirror of life your friend or your foe? Does it invite you to discover your sacredness or to denigrate your self? This is precisely what we will bring to our relationships, the mirrored loop that constantly goes on inside of us. That is why intimacy with others is a reflection of our relationship with our self. No one can love you, see you, or know you fully. This is your job, or rather your sacred invitation.
If you know and appreciate yourself, it will be less important that others do. However, paradoxically, they will also be more likely to know and appreciate you. Hiding from yourself keeps you hidden from the world. Is there safety and security in staying hidden? Consider that any behavior motivated by fear is actually more dangerous and will lead to more of the same. Hardly safe and secure.
The nature of intimacy is the realization of our Divinity. It is not a role we play or the form of our relationship with another. It is the Divine fabric of our essence. And from this core of love we have the capacity to love more fully.
While this conception is simple, it is not so easy to live. In his book, The Divine Matrix, Gregg Braden describes our “universal fears”– fear of separation and abandonment, fear of low self-worth, and fear of surrender and trust. Braden states that “Almost universally there is a feeling that runs through each of us that we’re alone.” (p.154) This shows up in relationships as patterns of leaving partners or being left by them. Trying to deflect our deep internal feelings of separateness by attaching to partners in relationships is a common pattern, but never truly addresses our deepest spiritual fear of separation and abandonment. I believe that this universal fear actually underlies the other two, and that we are usually more conscious of fears about our self-worth and fears of surrender and trust than we are of our deep fear of abandonment.
The universal fears have a basis in Western Judeo-Christian tradition which teaches us the story of the Garden of Eden (that in disobeying the Almighty, we were forever separated from our Source — the most damaging and delusional story every told to humans), as well as describing us as lesser beings, sinners, weak of spirit, unworthy, etc. This forms our fragile self-concept from which we form toxic relationships. Regarding surrender and trust, in a world where fear is constantly created via the media, we are taught to remain careful and wary about the world, ourselves and each other. An important point about trust is this — we do not have to worry about trusting others if we truly trust ourselves. Not trusting others is actually a lack of self-trust. That is, you fear you will give yourself away, and often you do. I offer that instead of conducing that others are not trustworthy, we look honestly at the self-sabotage underlying our perceived relationship betrayals. This practice brings us both enlightenment and empowerment.
In conclusion, I repeat that intimacy is an inside job. Intimacy is an invitation to be honest and open with ourselves in regard to our level of self reverence, and hence in what we project upon our partners and see mirrored back to us in our relationships.
As I promised in the title of this article, I will offer “a few words on commitment.” One of the topics for this issues is “Why do we fear commitment?” I propose a more radical question — “Why do we need commitment?” Maybe we fear commitment because somehow we know that the very concept is not in our highest alignment. Commitment, as it is commonly defined, is itself vibrationally suspect as it implies that we must make a promise about the future to another person. Maybe this is why divorce and infidelity are epidemic. It is impossible to live anywhere but in NOW. To dwell in the past or future is not vibrationally healthy for us, or apparently for our relationships.
What if commitment meant to remain authentic in our relationships and in our lives in this very moment? What if it meant to choose in each moment that which brings us positive feelings? And what if it meant commitment only to ourselves, with utmost respect for the commitments of others to themselves? (And yes, this includes your partner!)
What would relationships look like within this new version of “commitment?” We can not only imagine, we can try it out in our relationships. (Incidentally, I bet the divorce and infidelity rates would drop dramatically!)
