This topic is certainly a great “relationship” topic, isn’t it? How many of us have experienced the famous “vanishing act” when attempting to have a love/partner relationship with someone? I see all the hands in the house are up! Well let’s put our hands down and don our thinking caps to learn the art of staying in sacred self-presence in relationship with another.
Think for a moment about those points where you are most likely to lose yourself in relationship. Jot them down. No over thinking please. Just write what comes to you. To know self is to better learn to accept and love self, which is the basis for any healthy relationship.
Now that you have written your list, I offer that when we lose ourselves in relationship, we are tipping toward fear and away from love. This usually plays out as some variation of fearful self-sacrifice. Going a bit deeper we see evidence of a control drama playing out, a barter of sorts. (For example, “I’ll give this in the hope of getting that.”) While this may seem like a reasonable and effective strategy, it usually backfires resulting in eventual resentment and anger. This leads to the topic of “setting healthy limits and boundaries,” and the important ability to say “No” and “Goodbye.” These are two of the most emotionally terrifying words to many people (especially women) as they evoke the deeply held fears of rejection and ultimately separation/abandonment. Yikes! Far too scary, so we usually retreat back into “losing self!” What to do?
If the real culprit is fear, then the only solution to our dilemma is love. (Stay with me here because this has a fascinating twist coming up!) If we hope to be in a loving relationship with another, then it is a prerequisite that we are in a loving relationship with self and hence in a state of love. I propose that love is not a verb; it’s a noun. You can’t do it; you must be it. Once we are in this higher vibrational state within ourselves, we have the capacity and the courage to be authentic, both with ourselves and with the other person. This is not for the weak of heart, as authenticity is frightening. We are most expert at hiding from ourselves. Thus we are convinced that we are being real and showing up in our relationships, when often this is not at all the case.
As I often do in my articles, I m going to highly recommend a book for you. It is entitled, Undefended Love, by Jett Psaris and Marlena Lyons. This is the best information I know of that teaches true intimacy. Now for that twist I mentioned. When we are truly in a state of love and closely aligned with our Higher Self, we actually do lose self in an ego sense. But since we are highly attuned to our spiritual essence in this state, there is no self to lose!
To summarize and clarify, I offer that it all depends upon where on the vibrational scale you are as you are relating to another. The higher up the scale the less likely losing self is an issue or possibility. Most of us most of the time are somewhere in the middle of the scale, susceptible to some measure of our ego fears. Thus practicing self-love and authenticity is our best course. However to practice remaining in sacred self-presence while in relatioinship will naturally move you up the vibrational scale. And it is then that “giving without losing self” transmutes into relating from within a state of love. Now that’s Heaven on Earth!
